I have many friend and loves – who know my home life know my history.
Some do not and while here and there I scrape the surface I rarely cover all the details. Even with people I really love. Its something that’s a little too hard for me to do at times because it is painful.
Why am I writing this out? Why make it available for public consumption?
Even if I delete it (which I am sure I will) I have finally put my thoughts to paper and made them valid with out causing further issues in my home. I can not actually sit down write this on real paper and present it to the person who most needs to read it. Additionally she will never access a computer or internet so I do have some safety in knowing it will never reach her eyes. Should it – I hope that she can actually read the words and legitimately understand them with maturity and not put her own negative spin on them.
Any time humans communicate there is opportunity to error in judgement and take what the other person is saying to you with a completely different perspective. Unless you have read Stephen Covey and know how to listen first and follow his 7 steps to highly effective communication its impossible not to put your own personality into another’s mouth….mind and words.
Last night – perhaps I was set off by the calzone having mushrooms in it – perhaps I had, had enough. I raced downstairs during a fight between the two other inhabitants of my home. One age 12 one age 70. The older of the two was being as usual over bearing. Its at the point where no one can tolerate this “matriarchal overbearing over judgement self imposing punisher judge jury and enforcer” any longer as its just simply been too much for too long. Its worn down our resolve -endurance – lively-hood and ability to function. We hate having to “tolerate” her because she is family. She can not understand why the younger person (who is becoming a teen is full of angst and a million other feelings) cant relate to her anymore. Hello…. do you remember your teen years?
I could NOT relate to anyone. I was such a weirdo… are kids nowadays any different? HELL NO they have their own set of issues – thanks be to myspace for gods sakes !
On my arrival at the bottom of the stairs I commanded both to get their asses into the living room.
( I cuss like a twenty year veteran sailor on leave when I am mad woman pissed)
12 sulks as she knows shes already on my laptop grounding horizons for back sassing me about chores earlier in the day.
70 stands at the kitchen sink completely disregards me my presence my command my glare my heaving chest or the fact steam is radiating from my nostril and horns are growing out my head. She rinses dishes and makes the following comment “Ahh doing dishes again”
What followed will not be written as it contains the following descriptions )@(Q&#)@(*#)(!*#)(*!)(@*!)(@*!)(@*!()$R*(W*Y$&^@*#%&!^%#@$!$@
I think the roof blew off with the amount of pressure I released in one Kali – Goddess of Destruction – Flesh Eating Blood Curdling – Shreik of explanatory.
Now enter the insanity that be 70. Calmly sweetly almost manically over sugar coated and actually giggling while she said it –
” Are you talking to me”
The flesh fell off my bones. This woman can initiate the death volcano in me. Never have I experienced such rage than with dealing with her bullshit the last 30 years of my life.
I said – No I am not talking to you I am telling you get in here and listen now because I am too pissed to stand here and deal with your fucking insanity.
I was then instructed on how to speak to her. Much like a 5 year old as she told me I was speaking to HER like a child and she would not be commanded to do ANYTHING.
To which I said – I am not commanding but I am telling and if you feel that way than GET OUT.
15 months 5 days and 12 hours later…
I said it … GET OUT
For the next 7 hours well into 4am this morning we went at it. Well she went at it. Lecturing twisting and turning everything into some ball mass of confusion to which I finally got up and said “Keep twisting yourself up in the world that is your own personal reality.. I am going to bed”
70 has no loss on reality. She is not delusional crazy or even diagnosed with depression schizophrenia or other illness. Although I am beginning to wonder if she should be. I wish I had money… I would love to see a therapists and seriously ask if she sounds like shes crazy.. you know to other people besides just me…
Everything was twisted. I mean I cant even tell you the monkeys that flew out of her ass last night. 12 and I sat there and just looked at each other in sheer confusion and disgust. When I went to bed I curled up next to 12 for about an hour and just cried.
She cried with me because of me … because I was sad which made me feel loved and warm but at the same time further annoyed and deep down furious to the point of fire and destruction. There is an inner fire burning right now that is at some point going to I am quite convinced blow up the world. I can not see any human feeling this much fury with out kinetic energy being released and issued somewhere…..
Over and Over last night during it all :
I let 12 say EXACTLY what was on her mind. At one point 70 got in 12s face started pointing her finger to which I went up slapped her hand said – you want to act like a child I will F* treat you like one get out of my daughters face. She stood up announced she was done talking and was going to buy cigarettes. Again.. its all her decision her timing her choices. None of us ever get a say.
She set the whole tone and while I said what was on my mind and how this house was to be run – She again completely disregarded it.
She doesn’t care she doesn’t have one concern on my wishes or desires or in any way want to contribute to any plan that I have.
She is perfectly comfortable letting me bear the financial burden and destruction while sailing through paying for nothing.
Her credit is actually very good. Mine has been destroyed. Shes saving for deposits – I recently found out not only will I NOT be getting what I expected from my job taxes or extra income coming in.. I will have no deposits to move come June now.
Not to mention buy the furniture I desperately need as mine is falling apart, buy that new vacuum cleaner I desperately need or do things such as go to the doctor (and get that mammogram I’ve needed since finding a lump – which has gotten bigger – last year )
See the breadcrumbs here…
To this I can not solely lay blame guilt or cause to her completely nor did at any point last night I try to – although her found expression everytime I tried to talk was — “oOOOooh here we go ” as if to imply I was blaming her for all this.
Well I will not blame.. I take full accountability. Yes 70 It was I who decided in your illness (which never turned out to be anything) to let you live with me. Since your home was being sold and technically you only had 800$ and I being concerned you would have no where to live – since my brothers will not take you unless you get rid of your stuff pets and babysit for them… and no one in our family will ever or has ever helped you…yes come stay with me. Let me feed you, buy your meds, buy your pet food, Pay for Bella’s medical expenses when he needed end of life care , to be put down and to be cremated. Let me buy you 2 packs of cigarettes a week when you have no money and let you smoke in the bedroom that used to be mine.. even though my lease states this is a non smoking residence. Even though I repeatedly asked you not to since the intake vent is right above where you sit and the smoke comes out into the other bedrooms upstairs.
Let me cook clean care for this house even though I am working in total 4 jobs now and actively looking for a part time one at night so I can save money to move in June with. Let me accept this and more because I decided I should let you come here.
I decided family no matter what is more important even when the abuse is long lived life lasting and has followed me since I was a child.
Let me forget about all that and just take whatever you want to dish out…
Yea fuck that get the hell out .