It’s not that I looked down and saw them resting peacefully on the floor smiling back at me , or even that they painfully evacuated my womb and decided to revolt. No they fell out and I am not sure where they have gone. I looked for sometime under patterns of baby booties and blankets. Dug through the garage and opened every box of wrapped and preserved baby clothing from Pixie’s youth. Finally I called the local authorities and put out an A.P.B. on my E.G.G.S.
I think I will let them head off on their vacation. I really have decided I don’t want them anymore. More specifically I do not want what they make. I have hit that stage officially where I do not want any more children. The last four years I have kind of gone back and forth on this one, and of course when I hold kiss or love on a baby or little kid, I had that knee jerk reaction of ” I WANT A MILLION OF THESE” . Now not so much. The fighting bickering doing not sleeping oatmeal on my butt mornings have sunset into the back of my brain in a place that resembles a trauma ER for bad memories. The floppy tire (formerly what I referred to as my birth girth) around my midsection and ass is surprisingly shrinking beyond belief. The little c-section scar is low enough that once the beltway disappears I can actually wear a bathing suit again. Dont give me that look, what ever “they” tell you about breast feeding and your body coming back, baby it wont. Why did Heidi Klum give birth to twins and then walk the runway at VS six weeks later? Cause she had uber trainers, chefs and assistants that were on her ass 12 hours a day. Not my life is it yours ? No? Ok then. Learn to love your post baby body because it will never be the same.
Pixie has been ill the last two weeks, and its been lovely cuddling her and hugging her up. It’s also been a blast sitting on the sofa with my soon to be 16 yr old daughter discussing politics, watching television shows (that don’t have a Disney logo) and talking about college. In two years Pixie starts college. That opens a world to me, and I wont even be 40 yet. Sounds a little greedy I know, but keep in mind, I have raised this love muffin by myself. Great Friends, and some loved ones have certainly contributed to her life, but I have raised her. Provided for her, fed her, clothed her, housed her. Invested in her independent spirit, education, artistic endeavors and mental physical emotional well being. I will be paying for her college, and all this I have done by myself. No government baby money, certainly NO support from any one who contributed to her DNA.
I did that with no other co-parent, and at times my parent worked against that, often doing horrible things to drive a wedge between her and I. (Story for another time Pixie dropped a bombshell on me the other night about grandma).
There comes a time when I think you realize what you thought you were supposed to want is not exactly what you really did. With everyone I love getting pregnant, I have the rare beautiful choice to love snuggle kiss adore and nurture these new little wonderful parts of my life. I then get to hand them back, after our love fest, and sleep in.
Enjoy your golden years my friends !